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My story is that I felt in love with a person that doesn't know how to receive love and affection, he often says that he feels that he does not deserve love. And are not just words, this thought is deeply into his sould and way of being unfortunately.
Our meeting was amaizing, that kind of meeting full of " coincidences". He is a great person and we have a very strong connection but he was never loved, never. Not only the fact that he never had a real relationship ( as weird as it may sound) but you can see he never received real love. He considers unself so unworthy of love and affection. It is really challenging to be with him. He constantly wonders why I am still with him, why I haven't left from the very first second I saw " he is a bad person and he hurts people around him" (his words), who is he to deserve this kindness from my said, who is he to receive all this beautiful words from my side. He was obsessed with "i want to show you my worst part, you don't deserve to be lied, I want you to see the real me first" Is like everytime we are good he feels the need to find the smallest little thing that can be bad. Is like he is afraid of peace and happiness. I am aware that this things are defense mechanism for him, I am aware he does not realize this. I thought at the beginning that I can handle him by being there for him, treating him with affection and offering him as much beauty as I can but sometimes he is scared of this. But I don't know how to handle him, what to do more. Usually I won't even complicate my life with this kind of situation I have my own emotional problems on which I am working as any other human. But I am here with him because I really feel to. I amaize myself also. Because as tiring as it can be become a lot of times, I want to be with him, to be there for him. I genuinely feel that. I genuinely feel for him. I don't want to leave him but sometimes I am really discouraged. I don't take things personally I am trying to understand him and what is behind that mask and how broken he is. But sometimes I want both to contribute to our happiness not just me fighting for him. don't get me wrong, in his good moments he is really tender and he is really present. even when he is " angry " he feels a lot for me. He shows it. Communication with him is very hard, it can never be effective when he is upset or sad. He just have like a cover on his eyes. I suffer so much seing him suffering that way. He comes after saying he is sorry he is so stupid and he is amaized I am still with him. Why I am after all this attitude of him still besides him, why? this is his question.
I tried to explain him that when he wont be able to see the light I will sit with him in the dark. Those were my exact words.

I am also not the most opened person in the world or the most emotionally mature but with him I have opened more than I am used to. I can't explain why, I just felt to do it

I don't know how to treat a person like him, he is so beautiful despite all this dark side he has really beautifull aspects, he is a really good one.

But sometimes I feel lost!

  12th Feb 19 Posted by:      Alessandra Curly
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